mangrel9

missed one. damn. knew it would happen, but didn’t think it would be so soon. m and the kids will leave for camping tomorrow and i will assault our disintegrating bathroom. i’m hoping to get some writing done as well. of course, there is often a great disparity between the way things will work out and the fantasy of just how much stuff i’ll get done. m reminded me that last time she left me alone i started smoking again. those were pretty hard times. p, my stepfather since i was 17, was dying of leukemia. i was trying to be supportive of my mother, though it was so uncomfortable to be around her. it was better i smoked than started drinking again. i remember that just before we found out about p i had decided that it would be best if we had little to no contact with them. we were feeling weirder and weirder about leaving them unsupervised with the kids. our feelings of obligation overrode our deep knowing as parents. when we found out about p, i wanted to stay connected so i could help my mother through her grieving, as psychotic as i expected it would get. i have never wanted her to suffer, and heaven knows i’ve sacrificed parts of myself to make sure she wouldn’t hurt. of course writing that makes me feel guilty, but so does everyother f-ing thing i do. at least things are not as bad as they used to be. onward and upward. longer letter later.